Johnny Miller said what?

After a long day preparing for weekend coverage, Paul Azinger and Nick Faldo are at the 19th hole waiting to order dinner and drinks.

Faldo: So, Paul, what looks good tonight?

Azinger: One more week on the road and you might – but for dinner, I’m going with the New York strip medium with a salad to keep my girlish figure.

Faldo: Easy, big fella, it’ll take at least 3 more weeks before you look close to good, but good call on the New York – I’ll get mine medium rare.  How about a beverage – just one tonight, honest.  It’s just so hard to talk to you Americans without a few cocktails – so uptight …

Azinger: Ah, back off, if you’d talked half as much, or been half as funny during your playing career, maybe more of us would have liked you.

Faldo: Yeah, like I cared – let’s see, that’s 6 majors for me, 1 for you – and, oh, there’s 1-major winner Mark Calcavecchia beating me up for not being so funny when I played.  At the end of the day, boys, it’s scoreboard for majors won and then I get to be as funny as I want when I’m in the booth.  Not much to say to Calc back then, even less now.  And you see what I mean about you wags being uptight?  Waitress, cocktail?

Waitress: What can I get you?

Faldo: Anything on tap – or a Guiness at room temperature – and a Shirley temple for my friend here.

Azinger: Yeah, thanks, I can order for myself – I’ll take a Coors light, drink of choice for conservative PGA Tour members everywhere.  That’s not uptight, that’s funny, and you know it.

Faldo: Ooh, you got me there – that’s funny alright.  And speaking of funny, could you believe Johnny on the Sunday Doral telecast with the “2000” thing on his forehead while waxing poetic about the beauty of the Tiger full swing?  Good God, looked like the first step in a dreaded 12-step program – “I think Tiger’s a God and nobody will ever beat him” – admitting the problem is the first step.  10 days and a couple of follow-ups later …”  If you ever see me doing anything that crazy

Azinger: Don’t worry, I’ll throw you right under the bus – you’re too smart to get caught dead with that “2000” sticker on your forehead.  The hilarious part is as Miller’s doing that Tiger’s coming down the stretch in a dogfight with Lefty – I still don’t know how that chip on 18 stayed out, should’ve been a playoff.  Yeah, just like Tiger in 2000 – 15 stroke blowout at Pebble, wins by 8 at the British, and this one shot victory over Phil at Doral is supposed to remind us of 2000? 

Faldo: Maybe Johnny’s fantasizing about 2000 TV ratings – through the roof, and not likely to happen again soon.  The rest of the boys have caught up – they got kicked in the head for a couple of years watching Tiger play at an unbelievable level, especially in big events – and they’ve made adjustments and raised their game.  Fans watched in 2000 to watch history – they’re not nearly as interested in competitive back 9s on Sunday.

Azinger: Maybe Johnny can’t find the pgatour.com website for some basic info.  In 2000 Tiger set the bar with a 67.79 scoring average – Phil was second at 69.25.  That’s a 1.46 shot gap – that is frightening.  Craig Parry was another 1.46 back – and in 40th place. 

Faldo: You got that off the top off your head, Zinger?  Waitress, make my friend’s a double.

Azinger: No, looked it up, but it’s so easy to get.  Johnny’s whole research team must have been asleep at the wheel on Sunday.  Compare that with 2005 – Tiger and Phil separated by .01 shots for the top 2 spots, Ernie is only another .27 behind them, and everyone’s a full stroke above Tiger’s 2000 scoring average.

Faldo: OK, now you’re scaring me – nobody just knows that stuff.  What’s that – ah ha! what do you have there, that’s one of those little email thingys – I knew it, nobody can have that much useless information in their head.

Azinger: Try me.  Yeah, it’s a Blackberry – so what – great way to check up on all my stats, and my email.

Faldo: Well, aren’t you just the little gadget boy?  Does it brush your teeth for you in the morning?

Azinger:  That costs extra – see, again, funny, not uptight.

Faldo: Right again you are – forget the scoring average and all your amazing details, it all comes down to one number – the world ranking.  In 2000 Tiger was at 29 plus, Ernie was second at 11 plus.  That kind of stuff only happens when you’re doing crazy stuff like winning 3 majors by a bunch of strokes and winning about 1 out of 4 starts.  By comparison, currently Tiger, Vijay, and Ernie are all within a point of each other and the #1 spot could change hands multiple times this year. 

Azinger: OK, let’s both forget the numbers and think about the quality of play.  In 2000 at the British Open Tiger did not find a bunker all week and in caddy Steve Williams’ words “didn’t miss a shot all week” and managed to avoid trouble areas on every hole for 4 straight days.  Unheard of – most people couldn’t walk the course without falling into a bunker somewhere along the way.  And at Pebble he hit everything beautifully for 4 days – left Ernie laughing after he hit wedge from the thick stuff to 3 feet on 15 Sunday.  Not to mention he made about every putt he looked at all year.

Faldo: Meanwhile in 2005 he’s hit some woeful shots under pressure.  Look at Torrey Pines – leading by 1 over Lehman he blades his 2-iron on 18 and barely keeps it dry 30 yards short of target. 

Azinger: His sponsors must have tightened their sphincter’s a bit when you fired off your “what was that” comment?

Faldo: Maybe, I just call them like I see them.  That was a poor shot under a lot of pressure at a non-major – wait until it’s magnified at Augusta and the other majors.  That shot on 18 looked like he hit it with the passenger door of a Buick instead of driving home in one.  That wasn’t the only example – on 17 in the match play loss to Nick O’Hern, Nick was 2 up and hit a great shot from the thick stuff under some trees to put Tiger under pressure.  He responded by flaring his approach into the right front trap.

Azinger: Even at Doral, the “2000” tournament as we’ll call it, Tiger hit a big high right flare on 18 on Sunday and blew his putt past for a 6-foot comebacker.  Imagine if Phil’s chip goes in, Tiger has to make that putt to force a playoff.

Faldo: The interesting thing about the Match Play loss was that O’Hern was able to put Tiger under pressure – that almost never happened in 2000.  And some non-pressure shots are lower quality than expected – Tiger’s opening 3 wood at Bay Hill went 198 yards.  I’ve seen 6 irons go farther – when hit by Kirk Triplett.  Now that’s funny – or humor, as you Yanks like to call it.

Azinger: Whatever.  No question about it, though, Johnny blew that call.  This year’s going to look nothing like 2000 – but it’ll be a great year for golf coverage.  I wonder if Johnny was trying pump up sales of his new book?

Faldo: Let’s not give him too much credit.  Besides, in the book he talks about how Tiger’s best years were behind him and how hard he would have to work just to stay even with the rest of the guys.  So the book supports our position – Tiger can still win but it will take a big effort these days.  The days of double-digit blowouts are gone.

Azinger: Maybe Johnny’s feeling the pressure of the new kids on the block?

Faldo: What’s that – oh, you mean us?  Hmm – maybe.  I just think Johnny and a lot of the part-time golf viewers don’t realize how hard is it to keep it at the level Tiger had it in 2000 for any extended period of time.  So they figure they can get away with putting up silly stuff like the “2000” sign – who’s going to know it’s not gonna be like that and it can help bump ratings.

Azinger: Ideally the fans would figure it out – maybe not.  Of course I should probably stop talking about how great Tiger’s swing looks when he’s hitting it to either side with no real sure side to play for the misses.  That’s definitely not 2000 all over again.

Faldo: Good call Paul.  Maybe we should have a World Announcer Ranking – some funny numerical analysis of wit, knowledge, playing ability, predictive capabilities as related to shot outcomes, and a cumulative 2-year scoring cycle.  You could build it all into a big spreadsheet and get wildly popular.

Azinger: Very funny.  Who’s going to do the scoring?

Faldo:  Well we can for a start.

Azinger: That won’t look too suspicious when we keep winning every week.

Faldo: Hmm, you’ve got a point.  Of course nobody minded when IMG started the golf world ranking and their boy Greg kept turning up at the top.

Azinger: We minded but at least Greg's a relatively charismatic good looking champio with a personality.  Unlike some other #1s

Faldo: Stop it - you be nice to Bernhard Langer - or we'll let him captain another Ryder Cup.

Azinger: Of course there is a plus if we do the scoring.

Faldo: What’s that?

Azinger: It’s the only way you’ll be #1 anytime soon.

Faldo: Why, I ought to …!

Azinger: Now who’s uptight?