Sports Commissioners Luncheon – transcript

This intrepid reporter was at the 5th annual sports commissioners luncheon in Vegas last week and caught the following conversation:

Selig: “That Finchem is the luckiest guy I know.  Third time he’s had a contract year come up for TV, and look what he’s got – Tiger’s Masters landslide in ’97, the Tiger slam in ’00, now Tiger’s got 2 early wins in ’05. The guy is killing me.”

Stern: “Lighten up Bud – try being me.  Kobe breaks up the Lakers, sends Shaq to the Heat and they’ll get through to the finals.  Miami – you ever been to Miami? – it’s hot in June – I better take some sunscreen for the finals.  And mom’s going to want tickets to see the big fella – anyone got a cell phone, I left mine in the car.”

Bettman: “Stop whining David – at least you’ve got a finals to worry about.  Who knew the idiot player’s union would call my bluff and blow off the entire season.  Now I’ve got no product and nobody cares except stadium employees and hockey enthusiasts – what happened to the diehard fans?”

Tagliabue: “All 3 of them live in Quebec and think the Colorado Avalanche happened in ’95 and ruined the downhill ski season.  Enough about your problems – I’ve got an NFL team on a run of dynasty proportions and they couldn’t be more boring.  Philly was that close to making things really entertaining – TO and Westbrook as Super Bowl champions, that’s what I needed.  Instead I’ve got Belichick and Brady – sure Brady’s nice eye candy for the ladies, but he hasn’t said anything controversial since he lost the pinebox derby to his neighbor and accused him of having his dad build the car for him.”

Bettman: “Oh, right, like everyone didn’t get their dad to help them with pinebox derby.  I was 8 – the instructions might has well have been a scrabble board.  I gave the whole thing to my dad and said “make me proud” then went out to play.  Enough about your childhood inadequacies, I agree with Bud – Finchem is the luckiest guy alive.  Imagine if he’d had to negotiate with the networks in ’04 – mildly entertaining majors but Tiger wasn’t a factor at all and his only win was the Match Play.”

Selig: “’04 mildly entertaining??  Put down whatever you’re smoking Gary – Phil birdies 18 to nip Ernie, Retief 1-putts 11 times to nip Phil at the US, Ernie beaten by Todd Hamilton in a playoff at the British, and Vijay’s OT win at the PGA.  Try 2003 – Mike Weir – hey, Bettman maybe he could play right wing for the Red Wings – oh, that’s right you’re not playing hockey this year.”

Bettman: “Don’t make me come over there!”

Selig: “As I was saying, Mike Weir at Augusta, Jim Furyk wins the Open in a yawner over Steven Leaney (just sounds like a lawn mower repair guy), Ben Curtis at the British, and Shaun Micheel at the PGA.  Ben was worse than an unknown – we had to track down his family on Saturday to let them know he was playing.  Anyone seen Micheel since ’03?  Imagine trying to do TV contracts that year.”

Stern: “I could’ve made 2003 work – Weir in OT, Ben Curtis the Cinderella story out of nowhere to beat Bjorn (the tragedy of the bunker), Vijay and Tiger, and Micheel hitting one of the best shots on the 72nd hole of a major ever to win the event.  Work with a slogan like “These guys are good!” and get the fans to come out to watch the events, not just the personalities.

Tagliabue: “Helloooooo David – that is their slogan.  But fans don’t care – they want to see Tiger, not great shot-making.  Kinda like New England – they don’t want to see quality play, the fans want to see someone controversial say something really stupid – the Eagles were going to be perfect.  Nike spots with TO and Nicole Sheridan – now that’s must-see TV!”

Stern: “It’s Nicolette – and stop griping about fans not caring.  I wish I could get them to stop caring what Ron Artest is doing.  His new album sucks, and the Pacers will be lucky to be an 8 seed, but the media won’t let it go.  And try working with San Antonio – Popovich, Duncan, and Parker could be a great Chicago law firm – instead they’re going to be making the finals every other year for the foreseeable future.  Duncan makes Kareem look like a chatterbox and never issues any bulletin board fodder we can use in pre-game coverage.”

Selig: “Yeah, well at least Duncan’s not on the juice.  I’m terrified to think about what’s going to happen to Barry next time the Giants are in Shea for a 3-game set.  He’s going to break the career home run record in the next 2 years and nobody’s going to care.  Hey, maybe we should start a rumor that Tiger and Vijay are both on the juice to give Finchem some tough issues to manage?”

Bettman: “Yeah, good call – give Finchem and his tour even more free publicity – like he needs it.  He’s going to open a can of whup-ass next time Tirico tries to interview him during an ABC broadcast.  Then he’s going to hold all the networks hostage and say “You want Tiger – I got him – and Phil and Vijay and Ernie too – most of the time, when he’s not playing overseas – who cares, I got Tiger!”

Votaw: “Not just Tiger – he’s got Annika and Michelle.  Annika gets the PGA Tour more run for playing at Colonial and beating 10 guys than she gets for the near career slam she’s had multiple times on the LPGA.  Michelle’s already on her way to stardom and people care more about the Sony MC performances than her Top 10s in LPGA majors at 14.  It’s so unfair – we’ve got great product, we’ve got great performers, we’ve got …”

Agassi: “At least you’ve got a commissioner – try being men’s tennis – Roger Federer puts together one of the all-time years last year with 3 majors and we can’t rally any marketing because of the alphabet soup running the tour – ATP, ITF, IMTA – I haven’t seen this many acronyms since I grew up watching boxing in Vegas.”

Votaw: “Andre, what are you doing here?  This is for commissioners only.”

Agassi: “I know – I said a commissioner was a good idea for men’s tennis and since nobody stepped up they emailed me the invitation last week.  I’m good with it though – 2 sick kids not sleeping through the night made a hall pass seem like a good idea.  Hey, can I have another beer?  Plus, Steffi says if I keep losing to guys named Jurgen Melzer that commissioner job’s not a bad option.  Thought I’d check it out.” 

Stern: “Andre”

Agassi: “Yeah, Dave”

Stern: “Stop cutting my meat.”

Agassi: “Sorry, habit – and wipe your face.  Man, what is this sauce on this fish – that is tasty.”

Selig: “I’ll take a stab – the cream and the clear?  Everyone’s a comedian.  Geez”

Agassi: “Bud”

Selig: “Yeah, Andre.”

Agassi: “I was actually asking what the sauce was – not setting up a punch line.”

Selig: “Sorry, little defensive these days.”

Finchem: “Boys, sorry I’m late – what’s the topic?”

Stern: “How you’re the luckiest guy at the table – ’97, 2000, and 2005 will be the 3 best years to negotiate contracts with the networks.  Gary’s shut down his hockey league so sponsors will be looking to move dollars elsewhere.  Footballs got the most boring dynasty ever in the Patriots.  I’ve got the Pistons-Pacers brawl and Kobe’s never-ending personal saga getting headlines.  Bud’s got Jose’s new book and steroids.  And you’ve got the top 4 guys playing great as the heart of the season approaches – Tiger, Ernie, Phil, and Vijay have all won and the Players and Augusta are 2 weeks away.  Man, you are one lucky guy.”

Finchem: “When you’re right, you’re right!  Round of drinks on me everyone – and speaking of steroids, what is that great looking clear sauce on this salmon Bud?”

Selig: “Check please.  I’m outta here.”