Masters Preparation Meeting - April 1, 2005

Hootie Johnson: “Barkeep – another round for my friends and I – and put it on my tab.”

Bartender: “Mr. Johnson, are you sure – should I call a driver to get everyone home?”

Hootie: “A driver?  I’ve already got a designated driver – Martha Burke – gonna grab her by the ankles and wallop a sweet fade on # 1, then let her drive me home.  You want good ol’ Southern boy, I’ll eat all the grits you got”

Arnie: “Hootie – focus man – we’ve got a lot to discuss.”

Hootie: “What – oh, right – thanks, Arnold.  And thanks for the fine mess we’re in – we thought we were in good shape after your tournament had Vijay dueling Perry all tied up on the 18th.  Then we end up going to Sawgrass and leave it to old Finchem to give us Fred Funk’s career moment as he 3-jacks it on 17 then has to scramble to make par on 18 to defeat Donald, Lehman, and Verplank by 1.  When did the Players become the US Open’s southern division?”

Finchem: “Hey, pipe down, Hootie.  Barkeep – another round for my friends and I – and put it on my tab.  First, that was a tremendous approach to stay dry on 17 – we can forgive the 3-putt.  Second, 18 was a bear on Sunday and par was a good score.  Third, everyone should know all four of the top finishers – they’re Ryder Cuppers and good players.”

Hootie: “Yeah, but they’re not Tiger, Phil, Ernie and Vijay, now are they?  Look at last year’s Masters – all 4 right there in contention on the back 9.”

Jack Nicklaus: “Hootie – all due respect – but while Phil and Ernie were going after each other on the back 9, Tiger and Vijay were 11 and 9 shots back at the end of Sunday.”

Hootie: “Oh, come on, Jack – you take away those 3 doubles Tiger made and give him birdies on the par 5s on the weekend and he’s only 2 back.  Tiger’s never out of it – just ask him.  He can show up Sunday 10 shots back in 40th place and he’ll still tell you he’s got a shot.  And Vijay – just turn that 37 on the back 9 into 30 and Phil’s putt is for a playoff, not to win.  Let’s see him make that putt then.”

Palmer: “Hootie – Jack’s right – Tiger and Vijay were irrelevant on Sunday last year.  But maybe you had another point?”

Hootie: “Yes, thanks Arnold – and I won’t be forced to go there at the point of a bayonet.  Boy, I still love that line – how do you like me now, Martha!?  Right, sorry, so we’re here to talk about course setup.  Given Finchem’s Folly last week, how do we want to set the course up for this year’s Masters?  A couple of primary issues – the first cut, green speed, my inability to cope with erectile dysfunction”

Finchem: “I’ll take a pass on the last, but I believe you boys have the same goal we have – to identify the best players in the world over 4 days.  To do that, let the fairways run and let the first cut grow so that the rough’s a penalty.  Keep the greens at least at 12 on the stimp so they can’t put the ball above the hole – that’ll stop everyone from firing at every pin with reckless abandon.”

Arnold: “I’ve heard that little blue pill works well – not that I need it, being a newlywed and all.  Tim’s right – fast fairways, fast greens, and some rough to make things a little challenging for the guys.”

Hootie: “I guess the thing we’ve got to bet on is that our first cut won’t penalize players as much as the rough at Sawgrass – and that the wind won’t blow.  Good God, if the wind blows, shades of Shinnecock and Winged Foot.  They’ll have to pry the hose from my cold, dead fingers before we ever spray – excuse me “syringe” – the greens at Augusta National.  Man, that is good scotch – barkeep, can you set us up with another round and put it on Jack’s tab?”

Fred Ridley: “On behalf of the USGA, I object to that comment.  We had no choice at Shinnecock – you can’t let these guys just bomb it down there with 300 yard carries and have sand wedges in, even to elevated greens running at 13 on the stimp.  The course is defenseless.  Come on, Hootie, you were one of the first to argue for a rollback to a standard “Augusta ball.”

Nicklaus: “Um, that was me, I’ve got a quote from me about distance when people still thought you worked for Ripley’s Believe it or Not and Hootie was playing fullback at Carolina”

Ridley: “OK Jack – fine, but that’s not the point.  The point is with the carries these guys are hitting the ball, you can’t set the course up too tough – and everyone plays the same course.  What you’ve got to worry about is course setup being the big story – look at the US Open last year, Retief Goosen plays flawlessly and one-putts 11 of the greens at Shinnecock to beat Phil by 2 and all everyone wants to talk about is the greens.”

Hootie: “Hmm, good point, maybe.  I don’t care how we set it up – I just want the top 4 players in the mix like we had in 2002!”

Arnie: “Hootie, you sure that’s what you want?  Man, that thing was like a train wreck – Tiger plods along to a final-round 71 and still wins by 3 when Ernie and Vijay start throwing up bigger numbers on par 5s than I was making.  They were in more water than an SI swimsuit model that day – and Phil was in nothing but hot water after that 3-jack on 16.  For my money, I’ll take last year’s duel or even the ’03 Weir-Mattiace shoot out over ’02.”

Hootie: “Oh, sure, you will Arnold – but you don’t have to pay the bills around here now do you?  Remember our TV sponsor revenue has been curtailed the last couple of years so it’s all about eyeballs, and the Canada audience is worth just slightly more to me than the Mattiace extended family.  Sure, the Sunday 64 was nice and all, but like anyone was watching.  Barkeep – one more round – make mine a double – and put it on Mickelson’s champion dinner tab.  He’s so glad to win one, he won’t even notice.”

Palmer: “If I’m hearing everyone correctly, we like fast fairways, a nice lush first cut, and greens that are so fast you need bikini wax and a razor to cut ‘em”

Tom Watson: “Watch it – I got McCord fired for that line.”

Palmer: “You want some of this Tom – you want a piece of me?”

Hootie: “Tom, you scared the ghost out of me – I didn’t even see you there!  Don’t hang out there in the shadows lurking next time!”

Watson: “Sorry Hootie – Arnold, you’re all full of yourself since the new marriage.  Good for you – but some of us have our own underwear models at home and don’t need to throw our weight around all the time.  And yes, the little blue pills work great, but my point is let’s not disparage the greatness that is Augusta with some off-the-cuff comments about bikini wax and body bags, although there should be body bags over the green on 13 – nobody gets up and down from there.  I remember once in ’84”

Nicklaus: “Thanks for the trip down memory lane, Tom.  Are you done?  I think we’re in agreement here – anyone else got any comments?  And bartender, one more round, and put it on Arnold’s bill.”

Tiger Woods: “Well, I think we’ve still got a topic to talk about – or rather to sign off on.  Here’s my list of Sunday pin positions by hole.  Now that I’m playing some right-to-left shots and finally have control of my swing these should make for a nice back nine charge.”

Hootie: “What the heck is it with you Stanford guys!?  Stop sneaking up on us – and thanks for the pin positions Tiger.”

Nicklaus: “Wait a minute, what’s this all about?  He provides pin placements and you guys are just going to use them?”

Hootie: “Sorry, Jack, thought you knew.  After 2000 it was clear that Tiger was struggling with our greens.  In ’98 O’Meara wins and Tiger’s a non-story except for the fact that he’s a neighbor of Mark’s.  In ’99 Olazabal beat Norman and Tiger was again MIA – kinda like his dad over there in ‘Nam heh heh.  Then in 2000 Vijay beats Ernie by 1.  Clearly if we wanted Tiger to be relevant on Sunday and get our ratings up, we needed to be creative”

Nicklaus: “So you get your Sunday pin positions from him?”

Hootie: “Sure Jack – but we only use them if he’s within 3 on Sunday.  So obviously the last couple of years they’ve ended up in the round file.”

Tiger: “Watch it Hootie – I’ll slip one of Tom’s blue pills in your drink – 6 hours is a long time for a guy your age.”

Arnold: “I’ll take a blue pill in my drink!”

Nicklaus: “This guy’s chasing history, and you’re setting up pins for him?  That’s outrageous!  I’ve got 18 majors I earned, and he’s going to pad his stats with pre-built pins.  That’s crazy!”

Hootie: “Only to you Jack – it’s all about ratings.”

Vijay Singh: “So here are my pin positions – I play a fade so they’re a little different than Tiger’s.”

Hootie: “What the – hey, stop sneaking up on me, you guys.  Barkeep – another round, and put it on Jack’s bill.  Vijay – we’re not putting pins up for you.”

Vijay: “Why not – I’m # 1.  I know you’ve been doing this for Tiger for a while now – you get Fluff drunk and you can get a lot of great info from him on what really goes on to help Tiger out.  It’s not pretty.”

Hootie: “Well, Vijay, um, we don’t just do it for Tiger because he’s # 1”

Vijay: “Really Hootie – well, why else would you?  You want the longest, straightest hitter out there – I’m your guy.  You want a guy who already has a green jacket – I’m your guy.  Explain to me why Tiger gets to submit his pin requests.”

Hootie: “Vijay – barkeep, can I get this man a double of whatever he’s having – Veej, ya gotta keep up with us, you’re getting a late start.  Now, um, here’s the deal – we do this for Tiger – umm, because, well, you see”

Phil Knight: “You can tell them, Hootie, it’s OK.”

Hootie: “Oh, man, what are you doing here?  OK, OK, I’ll tell them.  So, you see, folks, it’s like this – when we gave up the TV revenue a few years back we had to consider alternative revenue streams, so we actually have an arrangement with Nike where we give them promotional space in return for some economic considerations.”

Watson: “So you take Nike’s money in exchange for commercials.  OK, I get it, so tell me how they get their value?”

Hootie: “Wow, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?  Well, to be perfectly candid, we guarantee a certain percentage of coverage is for Nike products.”

Nicklaus: “Clubs, balls, bags?  What are you covering?”

Hootie: “Generally clothing is a big piece – clubs as well.”

Watson: “Wait a minute, so this is how you justify all that TV coverage of Tiger – through this side deal with Nike?  This allows you to show Tiger when he’s 8 strokes back on 18 for 5 minutes straight while he walks up the fairway tied for 40th and then we get tape-delayed shots of the leaders playing Amen corner?  This is crazy – we’ve got to put a stop to this!”

Hootie: “Tom, put a cork in it.  I run the show around here.  Someone – throw Tom out.”

Gary McCord: “I’ve got him.”

Watson: “What the – put me down!”

McCord: “Shut up – eat some pavement you little Stanford punk.  And stay off the senior tour, or I’ll come after you with a utility wood!”

Hootie: “Would everyone just stop sneaking around?!  How’d you get in here McCord?”

McCord: “I stole Feherty’s “Complete Access” grounds pass for the night – he’s a cheap date, couple of drinks and he’s passed out on the 8th green, so I just grabbed his pass.  I knew you guys were up to no good, but boy do I have some stuff for Feherty for this year’s telecast.”

Hootie: “You’ve got nothing!  There’s no written document or paper trail you’ll ever find.  We’re too smart for that!  Boys – grab him – you know what to do with him, and make it look like an accident.  Now where were we ….