Welcome Chris DiMarco - your US Team Leader!

The following is a fictitious post-Presidents Cup chat room exchange - it is intended to be humorous (if it's not, that's your fault, I've done all I can)

Gatorboy98: What a performance by my guy DiMarco – carries Phil’s carcass around for the better part of the week before really lighting it up in the singles for the deciding match with that 18-footer on the last.  Go Gators yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

LeftyUDaMan: Easy Gatorboy, it was a team effort the first 3 days and Phil was sticking some iron shots.

Gatorboy98: Yeah, Phil played OK, but then it came down to Sunday and Claw-boy came through with the point that won us the Prez Cup – been 5 years since we won any sort of Cup, it was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LeftyUDaMan: You know you can fix that key lock problem with some WD-40 – either that or smack the keyboard a few times.  Don’t get too excited about winning that last point, Phil was right there in OT if needed for the decider.

DiMarcoRules: How sweet was that 29 in four-ball on Saturday?  Unbelievable – most teams aren’t shooting that in foursomes or four-ball or better ball or whatever they call it.  Only the 2nd hole in one in Prez Cup history, that’s all – that little 8-iron on # 7.  Giddyup!

KPerrySupporter: You may want to stick to sports you’re more familiar with DR – now listen closely, four-ball is frequently called better ball, and foursomes is alternate shot.  Four-ball means both guys play and the low score counts – foursomes means each player hits alternate shots and every shot counts.  Four-ball is also what it feels like you have when they’re swollen from me virtually kneeing you in the groin for being an idiot.

DiMarcoRules: Well, thank you Mr. Know-it-all, I’ll be sure and keep my formats straight from here on out.  You better watch it or I’ll come over and give y’all a little beat-down like my Gators did to your Wildcats yesterday.

KPerrySupporter: Don’t assume that because I support Kenny Perry I’m a UK guy.  I’m actually a Notre Dame fan who’s still thanking the big man upstairs for getting rid of that pathetic “ball-control” offense Willingham was running and letting them air it out a bit with Weiss around.  Finally we’ll be back to relevance and making Bowl Games because we earned it, not just because we’re Notre Dame.

DiMarcoRules: Hey, hellooooooooooo, can we focus here boys?  I’m not done bragging on my guy DiMarco yet.  He could have a break-out year in ’06.  Don’t forget, he’s already been to playoffs at the PGA and Augusta.

TigerWoodsIsTheMan: Yeah, well, who’d he lose that playoff to at Augusta?  That would be my boy Tiger – bringing it home with that clutch birdie in OT!

DiMarcoRules: Only because neither of Chris’ birdie chips went in.  Nicklaus knows a player though – throwing DiMarco up in the anchor leg while Tiger gets the 3-spot – nice if you’re hitting in front of Barry Bonds, sorta suggests you’re not playing well batting third in Sunday singles.

TigerIsTheMan: Yeah, maybe, or that Nicklaus wants to get off to a hot start so that there’s no pressure on DiMarco, or Mickleson, late in the day.  We’ve all seen how well they react to, ahem, some Sunday pressure late in the day.

MickelsonMan: Oh, that is so 2003 – Phil chased down Ernie to win Augusta in 2004, then gets it done with a clutch up-and-down at Baltusrol for the PGA last month – he’s halfway to the career grand slam, so pipe down with all this Sunday pressure stuff.  We’re not worried about your guy batting third though – got his back in the 11 spot.

GoldenBear: What I thought was great was the camaraderie that the players showed all week.  It’s good to see the US team actually playing like a team – they care about this stuff, no matter what the past results suggest.

TigerIsGod: Shut your pie-hole Goldie – time will tell if they’ve suddenly turned a bunch of prima donnas into a team or not.  Meanwhile, my guy Tiger’s out there carrying most of the team on his back – again.  It’s amazing the pressure he’s under every time one of these pesky team competitions shows up.  And yet still, somehow, he delivers.

GoosenFanatic: Delivers?  Yeah, whatever.  He ends up with 2 ½ points for the week while DiMarco gets 4 ½ for the US including the clincher and Retief ends up with 4 ½ points for the Intls but somehow Tiger “delivers”  Ratings maybe, and someone has to explain to me just what about DiMarco or Retief’s performance was boring.  Geez, let’s hope the Fedex guy brings a little more reliability to the table than Tiger does in the delivery department.

DanHicksSucks: Yeah, well, it’s all thanks to idiots like Hicks.  Love that shot of Tiger’s on 15 as he airmails it and yells “Down!”  All Hicks can say is “It’s amazing how Tiger knows instantly after impact (what’s gone wrong).”  Yeah, very impressive, that a world-class player knows when he’s going to airmail it because he double-crossed it.  I’m guessing Hicksy sports about an 18 and we’d be giving him 4 a side as he mutters “usually they’re much straighter than that – and a lot higher too.”  Johnny’s not much better – he somehow manages to come up with a “hey, New Orleans, we at NBC are all pulling for you” when Tiger airmails it into the thick rough.  Hey New Orleans, it must feel great to know that NBC is at least pulling for you when Tiger hits a bad shot.

TigerIsGod: I’m sure Johnny is always pulling for them, he was just mesmerized by the quality of Tiger’s play on the front side.  You guys better get off Tiger – you saw his back problems!  All week he was fighting it and grinding like only he can – most guys wouldn’t have been able to keep it together, probably wouldn’t even suit up on Sunday.  He’s such a leader and a gamer – no way he was going to bail, and he never stops working out there.  He was in so much pain on the back 9 – especially on 17.  He hit that low thin skull chili dipper with salsa knowing it was going to wreak havoc with his back and make Erin do all the work for a few weeks, if you know what I’m saying.

DoesErinHaveATwin?: Oh, yeah, baby, that’s what I’m talking about!  Erin
is so hot, I can’t touch my Tivo remote when she’s on screen!  Man, if she only had a twin sister … well, I’d replace that little minx Angelie Jolie with her during those late night encounters …and the thought of a 2-on-1, well … I’ll be right back.

WantToBeElinsAttorney: Yeah, what encounters, with your palm?  Hey, genius, she’s got an identical twin sister, but something tells me she’s not going to be interested in a loser like you anytime soon.  First, it’s Elin, not Erin.  Second, do a Google search and you can get all the info you want on her twin sister.  Hopefully you can operate Google without any assistance – but just in case, put the gum in the trash first.  Third, what makes you think that some zit-faced little teenager with lust in his eyes has any shot in hell with her?

DLettermanTop10: Ah, still one of my all time favorites – as Letterman said about Julia Roberts, “Folks, Lyle Lovett married Julia Roberts – we all had a shot!”  Let’s let DEHAC have his little fantasy – he should be back in a few minutes so we can trash him some more.  Folks, again, Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett – I don’t care how long it lasted, if that is not proof that she needs glasses and possibly a lobotomy, I don’t know what will prove it.  What it does tell me is “Dare to dream big!”

GodWantsToBeTiger: Yo, helloooooooooo, can we focus over here, we were talking about that fantastic team leadership effort by my guy Tiger before we were so rudely interrupted by this “40-year old Virgin” out-take session.  If I want to listen to wanna-be reality TV, I’ll go turn on the peacock network.

BeavisNButthead: Hahahaha – that was cool – he said pea and cock in the same word.  That was cool – hahahaha – hey, cornholio, come back here!

GodWantsToBeTiger: Not even going there, so like I was saying, Tiger’s leadership of this team was unbelievable.  All he gets in the past has been whining from the media about how Tiger needs to care more about these events – so now he does and it helps lead the team to victory with his dominating performance in both team matches and singles.

PeskyFactsRuiningStory: Newsflash – this just in, Tiger lost to Retief 2-and-1 in the singles and Furyk carried his sorry butt all over the course on Saturday.  I’m amazed Furyk’s back was giving out on Sunday ‘cause Tiger was getting really heavvvvy in round 2 on Saturday.

GodWantsToBeTiger: I know he lost in singles, but that was to give the rest of the team a chance to take the team to victory so they could see how good it feels.

DoesErinHaveATwin: And speaking of feeling good, I’m back – and you’re right, Elin does have a twin, and she is HOTTT!  And if I close the blinds on my window, I can actually take care of those physiological needs we all have without even leaving my Herman Miller desk chair, if you know what I’m saying!

GodWantsToBeTiger: Yuch – wherever the over-sharing line is, you just jumped across it with both feet and went right through the floor on the other side.  That is beyond too much information.  But those Herman Miller chairs are nice, no?

PeskyFactsRuiningStory: Whoa whoa whoa – so you’re saying Tiger tanked the match to Retief to let the other US team members get the rush from deciding the matches?  Not even a whack-job with your handle is really stupid enough to believe that, are you?  For one, Tiger hasn’t felt that winning feeling in about 5 years – unless you want to count that “kissing your sister” tie in South Africa – and don’t think Ernie didn’t want some more of him before Captain Jack got all sentimental with GPlayer and said “let’s call it a tie so we can all go home” which was short-hand for “no way I can get Tiger to stick around until tomorrow in this God-forsaken place you call a country for another day, so unless you want me to roll out David Toms tomorrow morning for Ernie to pound on, let’s call this a tie, OK?”  Come to think of it, why didn’t Player take that deal?

TheseGuysAreGood: Oh, I know, pick me, pick me!  OK, I’ll pick myself – sorry, just love that Shrek movie – he’s some actor.  Anyway, just maybe it’s because Player knows that David Toms is just as likely to beat Ernie as Tiger is – nice hype when Tiger plays Ernie, but in an 18-hole match all of these matches are pretty much pick-ems and in a 3-hole playoff it’s even harder to predict.

GodWantsToBeTiger: You gotta be kidding me – you actually think David could stare down Ernie under that kind of pressure, you must be joking!  Only Tiger could take on Ernie in that hostile environment.

TheseGuysAreGood: Hmm, let’s look at the facts.  Toms stared down Mickelson in 2001 at Atlanta CC with a stone-cold up-and-down from 110 yards to seal the deal with a great par at the last.  He stared down Chris DiMarco (Mr. Clutch – agree with the earlier post that Captain Jack had him out last for a reason) in a 36-hole match play final at the Accenture this year.  He just stared down heart troubles from two weeks back with a great pressure performance on Sunday at the Prez Cup – beating the young South African Trevor Immelman 2-and-1 to get the 2nd early point up for the US.  Eldrick was actually the first singles loser for the US with that 2-and-1 hiccup against Retief.  And oh by the way as for that “leadership” on the first 3 days, that would be a career 8-7-0 record in the Prez Cup – and an uglier 7-11-2 in Ryder Cup.  Meanwhile, DL3 is a whopping 14-6-3 and Freddie is 8-3-1 for Prez Cup.  Want some leadership – Freddy stiffs a 9-iron to 2 feet on the last to beat Nicky Price and win the Prez in 94, then buries a 30-foot putt on 17 to beat Vijay in ’96 (and nice glasses back then Veej – I’ve seen thinner panes on double-pane windows that are shatter-proof – my guess is that’s what kept his swing from getting calibrated properly for a few years – no way he could get that much weight back to impact properly until we was able to go with ultra-thin frames).  That’s leadership, Tiger’s gagging singles finish and his pathetic two-man team play is the majority of the reason why the US hasn’t won one of these things since 2000.  So, yeah, I think David Toms would’ve been a fine pick to replace Tiger after he jumps on his jet and heads for the safe haven of the US where dose mean old international bullies won’t pick on wittle eldrick anymore.

GodWantsToBeTiger:  Hey, buddy, how about a paragraph break – I think I need glasses after wading through that – and what’s up with “wittle eldrick” – did you just go all Elmer Fudd on me without any notice?  Hey, whatever works for you – now you want to talk about quite an actor – well ….  If you want to think Toms could’ve held up, you go on living in that fantasy world.  I will always know that only Tiger could’ve forced OT in the Ernie match and matched him in the 3-hole playoff.

TheseGuysAreGood: Which is interesting since there’s no factual basis for believing that anywhere in recent match play history, particularly the team matches (Ryder/Prez Cup).  Routinely a guy ranked 119 in the world makes a big putt at a crucial time that nobody would expect – but enough about Justin Leonard at Brookline and Paul McGinley at the Belfry.  Even if we just look at singles, the Accenture is a great example of how close all these guys are – since it started in 1999 the lower-seeded player has won 52% of second-round matches and 46% of third-round matches.  Tiger’s lost to a bunch of Irish-sounding foreigners, including Nick O’Hern (yes the same one that showed up this Prez Cup), Peter O’Malley (not the same O’Malley as the bad boy in Disney’s Aristocats – this guy brought some laser beam irons with him all day for the upset in 2002), and Darren Clarke (OK, he actually is Irish, don’t let the name fool you – he bleeds Guiness brown).  So it’s amazing given all of these facts that you still think Tiger’s the only guy who could’ve stared down Ernie in 2002.  It’s even more amazing that the guy can go 2-2-1 and get credit for any kind of “leadership” when guys are coming up big and going 4-0-1 on both sides of the aisle.  You need to go get a job for ESPN or SI – only those idiots will give him credit for leadership after that performance.  They’ll do more than that – they’ll put him on the cover and dedicate most of the article to Tiger’s efforts to be a team player.  Blah blah blah ….

GodWantsToBeTiger: Hey, buddy, how about a paragraph break?

GoosenFanatic: You guys and your paragraph breaks.  Yeah, maybe some of that pain Tiger was in had something to do with Goose’s clutch play on 16 and 17?  Dan Hicks has no idea what he’s talking about – he’s talking about 86% of Tiger’s singles matches being wins.  The problem with that is it was against guys who are now stockbrokers and insurance salesmen – anyone seen any of those guys from the US Amateur days lately?  Trip Kuehne still can’t get his big-hitting brother regularly, and Hank won’t get a sniff of a PGA Tour card until he can hit greens regularly with any of the 4 wedges he carries – let’s not even talk about his putting – ahem - prowess.  Honestly, if Fred Funk had any of that distance he’d be good for 20 top 10s a year.  And Steve Scott, who coughed up that 5-up first round lead over Tiger in ’96, well his biggest news since is a win at the 2002 Texas Classic and $47K in Canadian Tour winnings in 2004 – I don’t care if that’s in Canadian or US currency, that’s barely enough to cover some eats and travel.  So they can trot out Tiger’s phenomenal match play record all they want, but they should at least get rid of the US Amateur part of it, because those guys are nothing compared to the guys he’s playing now, no matter how you stack the stats.

(There’s your freakin’ paragraph break) Dan Hicks hit a new hyperbole high (or low) with his “Goosen with a short putt to take out the fiercest match play competitor ever.”  Miller was nice enough to at least throw Bobby Jones into the mix.  I’m not sure how Jack Nicklaus didn’t make that short list.   Maybe current Prez Cup captains are removed from consideration.  Goosen had to have the line of the week early when he responded to a question about he and Scott defeating Tiger and Fred with “Do we get 10 points for beating him?”  That’s the thing about the Prez Cup – every match is worth 1 point no matter who’s playing or who gets beat.

GatorBoy98: Exactly, which makes my point – DiMarco went out and beat whoever they put in front of him while bringing out the best in Phil – something Tiger was never able to do.  DiMarco ended up being the leader of this Prez Cup team through action and results.  No obnoxious statements, no whining about charity $s, no complaining about pairings or shirts or who the captain is – just go out and play.  It’s a lesson Tiger could benefit from – if he can stop whining about all of the above to just get it done.  Jack always used to say “before the majors started, you could watch for who was complaining and cross them off the list” – that was true of a lot of US “stars” in recent events.

(There’s your freakin’ paragraph break) If it changes, it won’t be because of anything Tiger did, it will be because DiMarco went out, lifted Phil’s performance level and helped them both play loose all week, then went out and played one of the best clutch 18s on Sunday for the clincher.  Remember, Stuart had birdied 5 of the last 8 before DiMarco’s clutch up-and-down from a stance that can only be nicely described as “ball about knee high while you stand in a bunker about 180 from the pin” and a putt that had some speed and break to it and he holed it knowing he had to have it or they go extra holes.  Clutch stuff, and what a great example for the rest of the boys.  Whenever, wherever the Ryder or Prez Cup is going forward, Chris and Phil will be ready – and they’re going to become the next Freddy-Davis type of pairing – roll them out in every match and they’ll win their share and get the best out of each other.  They won’t win them all, but they’ll be in most of them and win plenty.  And Chris and Phil are helping to define the American team with some long-term direction – they can be that anchor team that others build around.

GodWantsToBeTiger: Yeah, and Tiger and Furyk can be another anchor team.  Look at their performance for the week!

GatoryBoy98: 2-1-1 is good, but beaten by both Chris/Phil and Retief/Adam going 4-0-1 and matched by Justin/Scott.  Their performance is only stellar next to Tiger’s previously pathetic efforts.  Besides, rumor has it Tiger asked to get another partner because watching Furyk’s octopus-in-a-phone-booth swing was messing with Tiger’s new swing.  Furyk told Jack to do whatever he wanted.  Just like Tiger to try and get a new partner when he’s got something going along well.  Listen, GWTBT, just give up the Tiger bandwagon thing and admit that DiMarco is the new leader for the US team in international competition.

GodWantsToBeTiger: Wait a minute, the guy who loses to Vijay in a playoff at the PGA, then loses the Match Play final to Toms, then loses to Tiger at Augusta – he’s the new and improved face for the US team for Prez and Ryder cups going forward?  That just seems a little kooky.

GatorBoy98: Wow – kooky – way to step up with the vocabulary.  You know they have whole sites you can go get some new words at if you’re not too busy trying to breathe and type at the same time.  Why don’t you just say “Uncle” and admit that Chris is the man so you can go look a few new fancy words up for us?

GodWantsToBeTiger: OK, sure DiMarco’s the man, but only because Tiger said he could be!  I’m off to go get some new words – be back later!