A Day on the Greens - As Seen on TV

Editor’s Note – the following are actual products collected as part of an “As seen on TV” Halloween theme at work.  Yes, the Momentus and the Alien were not only allowed at work, but encouraged, for a day.  This has potential for a more complete post later …

A Day on the Greens “As seen on TV”

Item 1 – Momentus swing trainer

Warm up for that big round with the Momentus swing trainer.  Back in his prime (aka when he really had some game), David Duval was a pitchman for this weighted club, which is intended to help your body understand all the right (and not so right) positions for the golf swing.  Take a few swings with the Momentus to make sure everything in your swing is finely tuned before striking that first down-the-middle tee shot.

These days the Momentus can be found on eBay for $20-30.  Not surprisingly Duval can be found on eBay for about the same price.  Like many “as seen on TV” products, the pitchman can make – or break – the product.  Fortunately, Momentus learned their lesson well and chose for their Duval follow-on another well-known household name – Todd Hamilton.  No, not Tad Hamilton, he’s that fictional modeled-on-Brad-Pitt-not-really guy from the movie with his name in it.  Todd Hamilton, on the other hand, won the British Open in 2004 at Royal Troon over some slightly better-known guy named Ernie.  One hitter wonder or not – Todd’s now “da man” for Momentus. 

Item 2 – Massage Buddy

Nothing beats a good massage to get all the moving parts nice and limber and ready for the first tee.  After a few warm up swings with the Momentus, get your backs, arms, and legs that little something extra to find those 10 extra yards you’ll need to drive it past your buddies.  Ah, yes, nothing screams “testosterone” like hammering the long drive in your group on a 5-par and then cold-topping a 3-wood about 20 yards left and stymied behind a tree.  That’s when you’ll thank the “Massage Buddy” – it’ll take all that tension out of your swing for the all-important pitch out back to the fairway.  Then after you hit a career 5-iron to 25 feet and leave yourself a tricky double-breaker for par, life is good again.  After you run it 8 feet past and miss the come-backer for the dreaded 3 putt, break the “Massage Buddy” out again.  Yes, twice on one hole – go on, it’s OK.  That’s what buddies are for – whenever you need them, no questions asked!

If your round involves a cart (at which point it should not be called golf, but that’s fodder for another time), stress levels can increase from any number of causes – lack of beer, slow play, pesky temperature changes from rushing downhill on those elevated tees, or lack of beer.  Whatever the reason, take the ride-a-long version (aka Chair Therapy).  Use it between shots, between holes, or between beers – whenever, wherever.  Ladies – a perfect gift for the guy that has everything – he’ll thank you for years. 

Item 3 – The “Alien”

It’s the 6th hole.  You’ve got the round of your life going – you’re one over par as you stand over your third shot on the par 4.  After your first poor tee shot, your recovery shot left you with a 20-yard pitch from rough you can barely see your shoes in over a bunker to a tight pin with a green that runs away.  Yes, friends, this is the kind of situation that makes even Tiger Woods’ caddy look for a camera to blame things on so he can throw it and work out some of that tension (if he only had a Massage Buddy …) 

Fear not, Alien in hand, you’re ready.  You’ve seen it handle worse than this – didn’t it hole out from off that hard dirt over water in the commercial?  Didn’t it hole multiple bunker shots in a 60-second sequence from lies that would make Gary Player squeamish?  So you step in, knowing that this one shot could end up propelling you on to greatness or carding the dreaded snowman on the way to something closer to normal.  Thinking positive swing thoughts (are there any other kind?), you step in and put your best swing on it, then cringe in fear as you blade it over the green and almost kill the guy on the tee in front of you – bad form since you already hit into him on # 4 in an effort to play through his threesome.  Ah, the Alien – it can play in commercials, but it winds up as a 7-day no-reserve auction on eBay this day. 

Item 4 – Golf Lighter

Now that the round is back to normal and you’ve made the turn in your standard 44, your swing now becomes a well-oiled machine.  You step up to the 13th hole, a 148-yard par-3.  Normally your nemesis, you are ready for this hole today.  You hit one of the best 7-irons you’ve ever hit – two bounces later, it disappears in the hole for your first career hole-in-one.  Ignoring the pain that will come from the bar bill on a Saturday at the club (and be honest, is it really that painful to have to admit to a roomful of strangers that yes, I have to buy drinks because I had a hole-in-one?), you instantly reach for that “as seen on TV” device meant for such moments – the golf lighter. 

This is the reason you’ve kept that cigar in your bag for 8 long years – this is the reason you’ve tested the lighter before each round.  On the off chance that this moment happened, you would be ready.  Out comes the golf lighter, out comes the cigar, and with it’s moment at hand, the golf lighter delivers a beautiful flame on the first attempt.  Ah, the sweet success of knowing you’ve accomplished a rare feat will not wipe that smile off your face for some time to come.  Of course, the dried out, slightly moldy 8-year old cigar almost kills you after the first drag, but amazingly that part always gets left on the cutting room floor in “infomercial land.”  Where is the FCC when you need them to enforce "truth in advertising" – Reed Hundt, Buehler, anyone?

Item 5 – Tee Time Golf Putting Green

You realize quickly that you won’t be so lucky.  Not every 7-iron will find the bottom of the cup, and not every crisply struck Alien will leave you with a “gimme.”  No, there will be more putts that you have to actually put a good stroke on if you have any hope of posting a good score.  Then it hits you – well, not then, but earlier, when you were in the mens’ room at the club listening to the TV in the background mutter on about how you spend “an average of 15 minutes a day in ‘that room’, and wouldn’t it be great if your golf game could improve as a result?” 

“Yeah, it would!  How can I do that?  What are they talking about?  Hey, can someone turn that up?  Push pause, push pause!  Where is my Tivo?  Hey, give me something to write on!  Never mind – I got it.”  You can’t wait to get on the phone and order the Tee Time Golf Putting Green.  It arrives and just as advertised it does provide some value-add for that crucial 15 minutes a day.  So you when you slam that 4-footer into the back of the cup on # 18 for bogey to salvage a 92 and take down your buddy 1-up on the back 9 and 2-up overall, you’ve got one thing and one thing only to thank – the Tee Time Golf Putting Green.

Item 6 – Bacon Wave

Homer Simpson was right – “Bacon is the perfect food.”  OK, Homer also claimed the same title for donuts but that was only after he’d eaten his bacon.  More importantly, Homer was just too expensive for a spokesperson so we shamelessly throw his quote in to use him without any compensation.  Ah, God bless America, land of free speech and endless litigation – so sue me and my Jamaican-Honduran based S corp with a Swiss bank account, Homer – or whoever owns you!  But I digress …

So after a round with long drives, a hole-in-one, a bladed wedge that almost left you a felon, and some quality time with your putter in the men’s room – you’re ready for some quality pork product.  Why wait for them to put it on the barbecue – that could take 5-10 minutes!  No, my friend, you live in a society of instant gratification – you you’re your bacon and you want it now!  Just fire up the old Bacon Wave with your consumer-friendly microwave, found in most golf establishments.  Smile and put the bring-your-own corkage fee on your account because you’ll be chowing down on some bacon before the waiter even brings the first one of cold, frosty beverages.  Fits in most golf bags – wash regularly and remember to remove when daylight savings shows up and those trips to the club get less frequent. 

Item 7 - Sportcap Buddy

Ah, home at last, time for a nice hot shower – hey, this golf stuff is hard work – miles of walking, and through some rough terrain the way you were hitting it.  Yes, only soldiers and NFL players at training camp should be subjected to what you just lived through – except for that tasty bacon cheeseburger.  So you get a nice shower, your clothes get some quality time in the washing machine … but what about your trusty companion, Mr. Ball Cap?  Yes, that salt-ringed implement that’s been worn so long you can’t remember if your club name has actually gotten shorter in the past 5 years or the letters have just faded on Mr. Ball Cap (aka Mr. Cap)  Month after month Mr. Cap gets a spot on the wall next to the previous versions of Mr. Cap – yes, 15 years of Mr. Caps all stacked up on top of one another – do you really need to wonder why the hat sounds like it screams when it gets tossed on top of that stack? 

Well, no longer thanks to that great American invention (made in Japan by German scientists who were raised in Australia) “Sportcap Buddy.”  Just open up the Sportcap Buddy, slide Mr. Cap in, and he is in for the treat of a lifetime.  Forty minutes of blissful washing machine time – cleaning up all that sweat, grime, and whatever else happens to find it’s way onto your hat throughout an entire season of golf.  Sadly at the end of the wash cycle, Mr. Cap is relegated back to the top of the stack, but you can bet he’s feeling good about himself.  Sportcap Buddy – as seen on TV.  Help Mr. Cap make it through one extra season!

Item 8 – Dryer Balls

Mr. Cap is now peacefully resting after the rinse and spin cycle completed a perfect day.  You have now enjoyed some take-out, a great shower, a nap, and Sportscenter after your round.  Could it get any better?  In fact, my friend, there is one more product that could make your day just a little more complete.  Have you ever pulled your shirts out of the dryer and visibly frowned to yourself when you realized that wrinkles – yes, wrinkles – were literally all over your shirts.  Did they ask your permission – did they mention they would be visiting?  Of course not – and how rude is that?  Well, fear not, sports fan, Dryer Balls – and wow, there is some marketing genius at work there folks – is on the case.  Yes, just put a Dryer Ball in the dryer with those cotton shirts you’ve taken such good care of and they will take care of you right back.  That 10-year old shirt with the ugliest stripes your friends have ever seen from Pebble Beach and that once-in-a-lifetime round; that 8-year old floral print from St. Andrews (like it saw the light of day under 3 layers of clothes on the Old Course); and of course that soup-stained 5-year old momento from the member-guest at your buddy’s place (note to self – never order beef soup with a white shirt – and never have a career round with a white shirt on, switch at the turn if you’re thinking career round is even possible) – all will get fewer wrinkles, last longer, and torture friends and family for even more rounds with Dryer Balls.  Talk about a win-win situation – folks, call now, operators are standing by and only the first 10,000 callers will get one of these – 1-800-AS-SEEN-ON-TV!

Comments

[Peter (Discounted Golf Equipment)]

great post. you mapped out the perfect day for all golfers