Lies, damn lies, and (PGA Tour Golf) statistics

Finally – a new piece of golf equipment designed to make golf balls go less far!

(Editor’s note – the following fictional press release is for a product that, as of this writing, does not exist – but stay tuned, you never know …)

Hi, I’m Henry Paris, the CEO of Sticky Wicket.  For those of you that missed it, here’s the content from today’s press release.  I’ll give you a few minutes to read it and then take some questions.  We’re excited about today’s new product, as well as our new funding, and expect to develop some really revolutionary products moving forward. 

PRESS RELEASE

Finally – a new piece of golf equipment designed to make golf balls go less far!

Carlsbad, CA, November 18, 2005

Sticky Wicket, Inc. today announces the release of it’s first commercial product, the “Sticky Soft Flagstick.”  The Sticky Soft Flagstick is intended to help golfers all over the world score better by making it easier for them to aim right at the flag without worrying about bad bounces.  Sticky Soft Flagsticks are padded with a proprietary invention that helps reduce golf ball spin and minimize the distance a ball travels after striking one.  In 98% of the cases, our lab tests confirm that a ball that strikes a Sticky Soft will not roll more than 8 yards.  Sticky Softs will be available for general purchase by any golf course starting today, and we have a nationwide sales force and telemarketing effort in place now in anticipation of significant demand from any course that wants to serve lower handicap and frequent golfers. 

Our sales efforts will focus on building a sales channel targeting private and high-end public golf courses, and a print and TV campaign begins tomorrow that will drive widespread awareness of the product and allow golfers that want Sticky Softs at their course to call 1-800-GET-STICKY and let us know where they play regularly so our sales force can contact the course and find out when they can “Get Sticky” at their course. 

END OF RELEASE

So, any questions.  Yes, you in the back?

Reporter: Yes, can you tell us how much the Sticky Soft flagsticks will cost?

Henry: They are available at a suggested retail price of $300 each, or $5,400 for an entire set.

Reporter: Wow – competitive flags are available for $20 from numerous manufacturers like

Henry: Whoa, easy there big fella, this is my press conference – no need to mention competitors.  We’re confident that our price point will be well accepted by the marketplace when they get a chance to see the quality of our product and it’s impact on their members.  Yes, you in the tartan plaid – well, aren’t you hard to miss?

Reporter: Yes – thank you – so just to be clear, you have no problem bringing a product to market that is roughly 15x what comparable products cost and that many courses have plenty of already?  And a follow-up – what’s the big impact on their members?

Henry: Our crack market research team did hundreds of consumer surveys and there’s no question that the market for high-end courses to use these flagsticks is large and growing.  Again, we feel the value of our product more than justifies our products – particularly since they come with a lifetime replacement guarantee.

Reporter: For that price, they should practically service me if my approach shot lands within 15 yards of the hole.  I’ll give you Sticky Wicket – hahahahahaha.

Henry: Yes, well, thanks for that.  As I was saying, the big impact on members is the positive feelings members and guests will have when their shots hit the flagstick and roll off the green or worse.  We’ve all had that sinking feeling after hitting a brilliant shot – we’re posing and watching it in the air, only to have it clank off the flagstick and off the green.  That’s a bad experience, and we can eliminate it if everyone were to install Sticky Soft flagsticks today.  Yes, you with the Prada bag.

Reporter: Thank you for noticing – I just wondered what the inspiration was for this product?  There’s nothing like it in the marketplace yet – are you sure there’s a need?

Henry:  To be honest, we weren’t sure.  We’ve been developing the flagsticks for about 8 years and weren’t really sure what to do with them.  We’re primarily an R&D shop that Callaway Golf decided to spin off at the height of the dot-com boom, so obviously we’re only just now learning how to deliver products to market that consumers and golf courses need.  We think this is the first of many exciting products we can deliver.  The inspiration for the eventual release of the product came in the spring.

Reporter: Wait a minute, this was at the Buick at Torrey Pines, right?  Charles Howell III comes down to the last hole needing a birdie to tie, and an eagle to win, then slam dunks a wedge that amazingly bounces out of the cup and into the water.  Just like that, he goes from an eagle to a bogey and loses by 3.  That must’ve been the impetus.

Henry: Bzzzzzt – no, but thanks for playing – and I think most of Torrey Pines drives Cadillacs.  First of all, that was a problem with the cup, not the flagstick – we’ve got other products that we’ll announce next year that might fix problems like that.  Second, Tiger won the Buick – you try rolling out a product that might have put Tiger in a playoff and/or cost him a tournament – you may not like your job, sir, but I like mine.  Third, Charles may have nice clothes and an even temperament, but product spokesperson he’s not.  No, the tournament that drove our decision to roll this product out was the 2005 Masters.  Tiger hits the pin on # 1 after a great drive and the ball caroms right into a bunker – completely unfair, and Tiger makes bogey.  Now there’s something you can build a marketing campaign around. 

Reporter: Got it, so Augusta was the driving force.  Now, back to your previous point, I’m guessing that I, like a bunch of folks in this room, have never hit a flagstick in our life, except that one I broke with my wedge on 13 after my chip lipped out – oh, and there was that one my caddy dropped our bag on accidentally at TPC.  So given that so few of us have hit flagsticks, is there really a demand for this type of product, particularly at that price? 

Henry: Our research would say yes – golfers all want to be like Tiger so when they see him aiming right at the pin they will too, and we want to be there for them so when their game improves their scores will too. 

Reporter:  A noble and worthy objective, indeed – but are you really expecting consumers to call a number to tell you to contact their course and get the flags installed?

Henry: Absolutely, we’ve had a blog with the # on it for a few weeks now and we’ve gotten several calls. 

Reporter: Isn’t it fair to say that most of those calls were from people who had complaints about your blog content?

Henry: What the – first of all, I don’t believe so, and how would you know that type of information anyway?

Reporter:  I talked to one of your ex-call center employees and they said that an unexpectedly low # of calls has been received to date, which is why she was laid off.  She did say the two calls she got on her last day were about complaints with some of the content on your blog. 

Henry:  I have no idea what you’re talking about

Reporter:  Wait a minute, guys, I’ve got one of those cool new phones with a little web browser on it.  I just Googled Henry Paris and he used to be known as Radley Metzger, and check this out, he used to be an adult film producer.  He produced Private Afternoons of Pamela Mann – truly a classic – and many other films.  Apparently he’s made quite the career change with his move to the golf business and the head position at Sticky Wicket.

Beavis: Hehehe – he said “head position.”

Butthead: Hehehe – he said “sticky wicket.” 

Beavis: Shut up Butthead

Reporter: Someone shut that TV off – so it is an impressive career shift Mr. Metzger – er, Paris.  I’d like an answer to the question –

Henry: The blog happens to be about my old life as a film producer – I keep a running list of who’s doing what and who’s living where so some of my old industry contacts can keep track of each other.  We all use LinkedIn – it’s the best way to stay in touch. 

Reporter:  Well, how very tech-savvy of you – I like Friendster, and I’m surprised you don’t given your background, but nevertheless I was asking about a different question – do you really think there’s a market opportunity here, and how did you convince the VCs that this is a big opportunity?

Henry:  It wasn’t that hard.  VCs are always looking for anything with an up-and-to-the-right curve, and all we had to do was show a few curves around an increasing number of golfers and an increase in equipment quality resulting in an increase in the number of flagsticks hit per round.  Voila – just like that, you get a VC salivating at the mere mention of “buried lie.”  It’s like the “3 guys and a napkin” time a few years back – throw enough charts and jargon at them and the average VC loses their bearings in about 10 minutes thinking of the remodel they can pull off after the IPO. 

Reporter:  But how can you build charts to support this product?  The number of golfers played is flat to declining and retention is the big issue.  The number of rounds per year is also flat to declining.  Equipment has been improving for the past 50+ years and yet the average handicap has remained relatively constant.  Finally, there’s no evidence to suggest that for the average golfer – or any golfer – hitting the flagstick is a realistic concern.  So why would a VC write a check that goes anywhere near this industry?

Henry:  Well, we’ve got other products and revenue opportunities in the pipeline.  You mentioned the Buick – we’re working on a padded cup to prevent that from happening again, as well as padded sprinkler heads for use around the greens.  We’re one or two bounces away from those being a nice idea – they’re already testing well, we just need Tiger to bounce a couple balls off sprinkler heads and over greens to really stir up some interest.  And of course there are sponsorship opportunities for the flags – we’re lining up companies that might have interest.  Hybrid greens with Velcro patches are under development – no clear timeline for when they will be released but that would allow high spin-rate players like Tiger to fire right at the pin and know their good shots will be rewarded. 

Reporter:  Padded sprinkler heads, hybrid greens – isn’t it a little silly, shouldn’t we just let the rub of the green determine the result in some cases?

Henry:  Maybe you guys in the media like it that way, but the folks at the PGA and the tournaments certainly have other thoughts.  They’re working with us to make sure all the big tournaments take a look at our product.  They don’t want luck to have a large part in determining the outcome, and they believe our product helps. 

Reporter:  So this whole product line is aimed at professional tour stops and minimizing unfair bounces?

Henry:  Pretty much, yes. 

Reporter:  And a VC felt like this was worth writing a check to get you moving forward on approaching golf courses nationwide? 

Henry:  Yes.

Reporter:  And you think the media is full of idiots – what does that financing round make VCs??

Henry:  No comment.

A Day on the Greens - As Seen on TV

Editor’s Note – the following are actual products collected as part of an “As seen on TV” Halloween theme at work.  Yes, the Momentus and the Alien were not only allowed at work, but encouraged, for a day.  This has potential for a more complete post later …

A Day on the Greens “As seen on TV”

Item 1 – Momentus swing trainer

Warm up for that big round with the Momentus swing trainer.  Back in his prime (aka when he really had some game), David Duval was a pitchman for this weighted club, which is intended to help your body understand all the right (and not so right) positions for the golf swing.  Take a few swings with the Momentus to make sure everything in your swing is finely tuned before striking that first down-the-middle tee shot.

These days the Momentus can be found on eBay for $20-30.  Not surprisingly Duval can be found on eBay for about the same price.  Like many “as seen on TV” products, the pitchman can make – or break – the product.  Fortunately, Momentus learned their lesson well and chose for their Duval follow-on another well-known household name – Todd Hamilton.  No, not Tad Hamilton, he’s that fictional modeled-on-Brad-Pitt-not-really guy from the movie with his name in it.  Todd Hamilton, on the other hand, won the British Open in 2004 at Royal Troon over some slightly better-known guy named Ernie.  One hitter wonder or not – Todd’s now “da man” for Momentus. 

Item 2 – Massage Buddy

Nothing beats a good massage to get all the moving parts nice and limber and ready for the first tee.  After a few warm up swings with the Momentus, get your backs, arms, and legs that little something extra to find those 10 extra yards you’ll need to drive it past your buddies.  Ah, yes, nothing screams “testosterone” like hammering the long drive in your group on a 5-par and then cold-topping a 3-wood about 20 yards left and stymied behind a tree.  That’s when you’ll thank the “Massage Buddy” – it’ll take all that tension out of your swing for the all-important pitch out back to the fairway.  Then after you hit a career 5-iron to 25 feet and leave yourself a tricky double-breaker for par, life is good again.  After you run it 8 feet past and miss the come-backer for the dreaded 3 putt, break the “Massage Buddy” out again.  Yes, twice on one hole – go on, it’s OK.  That’s what buddies are for – whenever you need them, no questions asked!

If your round involves a cart (at which point it should not be called golf, but that’s fodder for another time), stress levels can increase from any number of causes – lack of beer, slow play, pesky temperature changes from rushing downhill on those elevated tees, or lack of beer.  Whatever the reason, take the ride-a-long version (aka Chair Therapy).  Use it between shots, between holes, or between beers – whenever, wherever.  Ladies – a perfect gift for the guy that has everything – he’ll thank you for years. 

Item 3 – The “Alien”

It’s the 6th hole.  You’ve got the round of your life going – you’re one over par as you stand over your third shot on the par 4.  After your first poor tee shot, your recovery shot left you with a 20-yard pitch from rough you can barely see your shoes in over a bunker to a tight pin with a green that runs away.  Yes, friends, this is the kind of situation that makes even Tiger Woods’ caddy look for a camera to blame things on so he can throw it and work out some of that tension (if he only had a Massage Buddy …) 

Fear not, Alien in hand, you’re ready.  You’ve seen it handle worse than this – didn’t it hole out from off that hard dirt over water in the commercial?  Didn’t it hole multiple bunker shots in a 60-second sequence from lies that would make Gary Player squeamish?  So you step in, knowing that this one shot could end up propelling you on to greatness or carding the dreaded snowman on the way to something closer to normal.  Thinking positive swing thoughts (are there any other kind?), you step in and put your best swing on it, then cringe in fear as you blade it over the green and almost kill the guy on the tee in front of you – bad form since you already hit into him on # 4 in an effort to play through his threesome.  Ah, the Alien – it can play in commercials, but it winds up as a 7-day no-reserve auction on eBay this day. 

Item 4 – Golf Lighter

Now that the round is back to normal and you’ve made the turn in your standard 44, your swing now becomes a well-oiled machine.  You step up to the 13th hole, a 148-yard par-3.  Normally your nemesis, you are ready for this hole today.  You hit one of the best 7-irons you’ve ever hit – two bounces later, it disappears in the hole for your first career hole-in-one.  Ignoring the pain that will come from the bar bill on a Saturday at the club (and be honest, is it really that painful to have to admit to a roomful of strangers that yes, I have to buy drinks because I had a hole-in-one?), you instantly reach for that “as seen on TV” device meant for such moments – the golf lighter. 

This is the reason you’ve kept that cigar in your bag for 8 long years – this is the reason you’ve tested the lighter before each round.  On the off chance that this moment happened, you would be ready.  Out comes the golf lighter, out comes the cigar, and with it’s moment at hand, the golf lighter delivers a beautiful flame on the first attempt.  Ah, the sweet success of knowing you’ve accomplished a rare feat will not wipe that smile off your face for some time to come.  Of course, the dried out, slightly moldy 8-year old cigar almost kills you after the first drag, but amazingly that part always gets left on the cutting room floor in “infomercial land.”  Where is the FCC when you need them to enforce "truth in advertising" – Reed Hundt, Buehler, anyone?

Item 5 – Tee Time Golf Putting Green

You realize quickly that you won’t be so lucky.  Not every 7-iron will find the bottom of the cup, and not every crisply struck Alien will leave you with a “gimme.”  No, there will be more putts that you have to actually put a good stroke on if you have any hope of posting a good score.  Then it hits you – well, not then, but earlier, when you were in the mens’ room at the club listening to the TV in the background mutter on about how you spend “an average of 15 minutes a day in ‘that room’, and wouldn’t it be great if your golf game could improve as a result?” 

“Yeah, it would!  How can I do that?  What are they talking about?  Hey, can someone turn that up?  Push pause, push pause!  Where is my Tivo?  Hey, give me something to write on!  Never mind – I got it.”  You can’t wait to get on the phone and order the Tee Time Golf Putting Green.  It arrives and just as advertised it does provide some value-add for that crucial 15 minutes a day.  So you when you slam that 4-footer into the back of the cup on # 18 for bogey to salvage a 92 and take down your buddy 1-up on the back 9 and 2-up overall, you’ve got one thing and one thing only to thank – the Tee Time Golf Putting Green.

Item 6 – Bacon Wave

Homer Simpson was right – “Bacon is the perfect food.”  OK, Homer also claimed the same title for donuts but that was only after he’d eaten his bacon.  More importantly, Homer was just too expensive for a spokesperson so we shamelessly throw his quote in to use him without any compensation.  Ah, God bless America, land of free speech and endless litigation – so sue me and my Jamaican-Honduran based S corp with a Swiss bank account, Homer – or whoever owns you!  But I digress …

So after a round with long drives, a hole-in-one, a bladed wedge that almost left you a felon, and some quality time with your putter in the men’s room – you’re ready for some quality pork product.  Why wait for them to put it on the barbecue – that could take 5-10 minutes!  No, my friend, you live in a society of instant gratification – you you’re your bacon and you want it now!  Just fire up the old Bacon Wave with your consumer-friendly microwave, found in most golf establishments.  Smile and put the bring-your-own corkage fee on your account because you’ll be chowing down on some bacon before the waiter even brings the first one of cold, frosty beverages.  Fits in most golf bags – wash regularly and remember to remove when daylight savings shows up and those trips to the club get less frequent. 

Item 7 - Sportcap Buddy

Ah, home at last, time for a nice hot shower – hey, this golf stuff is hard work – miles of walking, and through some rough terrain the way you were hitting it.  Yes, only soldiers and NFL players at training camp should be subjected to what you just lived through – except for that tasty bacon cheeseburger.  So you get a nice shower, your clothes get some quality time in the washing machine … but what about your trusty companion, Mr. Ball Cap?  Yes, that salt-ringed implement that’s been worn so long you can’t remember if your club name has actually gotten shorter in the past 5 years or the letters have just faded on Mr. Ball Cap (aka Mr. Cap)  Month after month Mr. Cap gets a spot on the wall next to the previous versions of Mr. Cap – yes, 15 years of Mr. Caps all stacked up on top of one another – do you really need to wonder why the hat sounds like it screams when it gets tossed on top of that stack? 

Well, no longer thanks to that great American invention (made in Japan by German scientists who were raised in Australia) “Sportcap Buddy.”  Just open up the Sportcap Buddy, slide Mr. Cap in, and he is in for the treat of a lifetime.  Forty minutes of blissful washing machine time – cleaning up all that sweat, grime, and whatever else happens to find it’s way onto your hat throughout an entire season of golf.  Sadly at the end of the wash cycle, Mr. Cap is relegated back to the top of the stack, but you can bet he’s feeling good about himself.  Sportcap Buddy – as seen on TV.  Help Mr. Cap make it through one extra season!

Item 8 – Dryer Balls

Mr. Cap is now peacefully resting after the rinse and spin cycle completed a perfect day.  You have now enjoyed some take-out, a great shower, a nap, and Sportscenter after your round.  Could it get any better?  In fact, my friend, there is one more product that could make your day just a little more complete.  Have you ever pulled your shirts out of the dryer and visibly frowned to yourself when you realized that wrinkles – yes, wrinkles – were literally all over your shirts.  Did they ask your permission – did they mention they would be visiting?  Of course not – and how rude is that?  Well, fear not, sports fan, Dryer Balls – and wow, there is some marketing genius at work there folks – is on the case.  Yes, just put a Dryer Ball in the dryer with those cotton shirts you’ve taken such good care of and they will take care of you right back.  That 10-year old shirt with the ugliest stripes your friends have ever seen from Pebble Beach and that once-in-a-lifetime round; that 8-year old floral print from St. Andrews (like it saw the light of day under 3 layers of clothes on the Old Course); and of course that soup-stained 5-year old momento from the member-guest at your buddy’s place (note to self – never order beef soup with a white shirt – and never have a career round with a white shirt on, switch at the turn if you’re thinking career round is even possible) – all will get fewer wrinkles, last longer, and torture friends and family for even more rounds with Dryer Balls.  Talk about a win-win situation – folks, call now, operators are standing by and only the first 10,000 callers will get one of these – 1-800-AS-SEEN-ON-TV!