Lies, damn lies, and (PGA Tour Golf) statistics

Golfer of the year for 2005 is ...

(For a quick review of our cast of characters at the 19^th hole, see The Regulars post)

Tucker: Hey, 3-jack, nice lag on 18, 1 up for the bad guys. First round’s on me. Couple more putts like that and we’ll have either get you a new nickname … or just start using it for your drink order. Bartender, we’ll take 3 jack and cokes, 1 Sam Adams, 1 Corona with a lime, and 1 Guinness.

Rick: Good to finally get over on you punks – you had us the last 3 in a row. We were about ready to suggest new teams if you’d won today. 

Walt: Did you boys check out Sorenstam’s performance at the ADT? Impressive stuff – pulling away from one of the best fields of the year and defending her win at the season-ending tourney. No question about it – she had the best season this year of any golfer on any tour. Hey Tucker – did you get a bowl of soup with that shirt? Geez, that thing’s bright enough to stop a truck, or at least an SUV.

Tucker: Yeah, coming from the prince of fashion, I’ll just let that go. Annika had a nice year, but let’s not forget that guy named Tiger over on the PGA tour. Last I checked, Annika’s still playing from the front tees AND Tiger doesn’t play in any of her events, so it’s hard to count them as official. Hey Bomber, pass over some of those mixed nuts – just because you won on the course doesn’t mean you get all the snacks.

Billy: No problem head case, what else would I call you after forgetting Michelle Wie wasn’t even at this tournament – you’d think they’d find a way to get her in this one. If they can change the rules for majors to let her in, what’s the matter with just letting her in this one? Crikey – you American blokes are so uptight with the rules.

Walt: Oh, now there you go again Mr. Aussie Rules – hey, who was watching me like a hawk when I had to take a drop for that unplayable on 13. You were breathing down my neck so hard I thought my wife was somewhere on the course. As for those allegedly tough rules, it’s tough to be a top 30 money winner when you’re still an amateur and not collecting prize money – Michelle will have her shot next year now that she’s turned pro. I won’t even comment on that silly front tee snipe. I do hear that an argument is being made that Tiger is the golfer of the year for 2005? OK, let’s check some of the stats.

Rick: Yikes – let me get a drink first, they said no math – particularly after I tried to add up the scores on 13, with or without that unplayable. Second, someone breathing hard on you should remind you of your kids after they climb in bed with you – I know your wife, and now that she’s gotten the children, your usefulness in bed is strictly as a pillow for the kids to sleep on.

Billy: You’re telling me – very tough par-6 that 13^th hole. I’m not sure what all the fuss is about player of the year – Annika and Tiger were both at the Skins Game and Fred Funk won it wearing a skirt, so he’s your guy for this year.

Rick: Yeah, there you go, we’ll let an 18-hole 2-day 4-person tournament determine player of the year. Much as ABC would love to see it, let’s not ignore the rest of the tournaments for the year.

Walt: Settle down boys – I’ve got this cool little new laptop with wireless access, all the math’s done for us. As always, we’ll look at a couple of key stats – number of wins and quality of wins always seem to be a good place to start.  First, let’s look at the number of wins – Tiger had 6 wins, and Annika had 10 wins this season. Hmm, that looks like advantage Annika.

Tucker: Yeah, but let’s check the starts, Tiger probably played in way fewer events than Annika.

Walt: Bzzzt, thanks for playing, good guess but no soup for you. That argument may work with Vijay and the money title, but Tiger actually played in 21 events and Annika played in 20. For you math-challenged sports fans that means Annika played in one fewer events. So one less start and four more wins – this may turn into two for Annika with you supporting Tiger’s cause.  Any other arguments you want to throw out there?

Tucker:  Hmm, think I’ll pass. Let’s switch gears then to the quality of wins. First, let’s look at the majors. Tiger won two this year, including Augusta and the British, and should’ve won the other two.

Walt: Coulda, shoulda, woulda, that’s quality argument material, my friend, but it just doesn’t hold up again. Annika won the first two majors of the year and had a tie for 5^th and tie for 23^rd in the other two. So they won the same number of majors.

Tucker: Yeah, but Tiger won at Augusta with that awesome chip-in at 16 to force the playoff, then made that clutch birdie putt on 18 to beat DiMarco. Then Michael Campbell stole the US Open at Pinehurst before Tiger lapped the field at St. Andrews. Finally Phil stole the PGA from him with that great up-and-down at 18.

Walt: You conveniently forget about Tiger’s bogey-bogey finish in regulation and DiMarco’s narrow misses on chip-in attempts at 18 in regulation and the playoff at the Masters. Not sure how Michael stole anything at the US Open – he won by two even with a bogey on 18, it was Tiger’s bogeys on 16 and 17 that left the door wide open. And tell me again how Phil stole anything from Tiger at the PGA when Elkington and Bjorn finished ahead of him as well. Even if Phil doesn’t get up and down, Tiger’s not winning that tournament, unless we start giving out trophies for T-4^th? Meanwhile, let’s talk about quality wins and performances. Tiger missed 2 cuts this year and finished outside the top 25 four times. Annika did not miss any cuts and her lowest finish was T-23^rd. She only finished outside the top 10 five times – Tiger had eight of those.

Billy: You boys done with this one, yet, I’d like to get something to eat. Hi Suzy, can I get a turkey club with no mayo?

Rick: Fish and chips here.

Walt: Chicken ceasar, dressing on the side, thanks.

Tucker: Bacon cheeseburger with fries please.

Walt: And in fact, I’m not done with this one yet. Maybe Tiger should win more majors like Annika – the Kraft by 8 strokes and the LPGA Championship by 3. It’s hard for anyone to “steal” anything from you when you’ve built that big a lead.

Tucker: Yeah, well Tiger used to win them by that much, but then the other guys finally got tired of getting kicked around like your dog after a 9er game and started bringing the A game … at least once in a while.

Walt:  Thanks for staying on point. Where were we? OK, so Annika’s got more wins in fewer tournaments – one for me. And Annika’s got higher quality finishes and wins, along with no missed cuts – two for me. You want to give up now or keep on trying – these other guys may have somewhere else they’ve got to be?

Rick: No way, I haven’t even eaten yet.

Billy: Me either – plus this is getting mildly entertaining, although you’re putting up about as much defense as Kobe plays these days. He hasn’t met a shot he doesn’t like, and he’s making just about 2 out of every 5. Nice stats if you’re playing shortstop, not so great if you’re a 2-guard. Man I’d trade him for Steve Nash straight up.

Walt: Right, like the Suns would touch that trade – you’d have to throw in Lamar and some cash to make that even close to working.

Rick: Would you two stop bickering?

Tucker: This isn’t bickering, this is aspirational to bickering – so far I’m just getting hammered like my poor Pats’ D this year. It’s OK though, Brady’s young – we’ll be back. Last argument – let’s look at the stats for the year. Tiger’s gotta have her on that one.

Walt:  Ooooh, didn’t think you’d go there, I actually researched that last night in anticipation of our little, ahem, discussion. This one converts it from a runaway to me opening up a big old can of whup ass on you for a couple of weeks. Bad enough to suggest Tiger had a better year – wins and quality wins were convincing, but this is overwhelming. Let’s start with driving – Tiger’s new equipment helped him it longer alright, 2^nd in overall distance, but it also helped him it a bit more crooked, 188^th in fairways hit and 83^rd in total driving. Ouch, sounds like T’s going to get his license revoked – he may need to go to driver’s training, or whatever Hank Haney calls those lessons. Oh, and Annika, you ask, and thank you so much for asking – 4^th in distance and 12^th in fairways hit – no 3-point turns required here. Any other stats you want to check up on?

Tucker: How about greens in regulation?

Walt: Better, but not good enough. 70% for Tiger – 6^th on tour – respectable but not nearly as good as Annika’s 77%, which of course was 1^st on tour. Any others?

Billy: Whoa, whoa, this is my throwing in the white towel. Tucker – you are getting worked like Duke against the Sisters of the Poor, or whoever those non-conference hoops opponents they whoop up on are – it’s over, TKO and we’re outta here.

Walt: Hang on, let’s recap. Annika – more wins in fewer events, more quality wins, no missed cuts, and better stats. Tell me again why anyone would vote for Tiger.

Rick: Well, if you look at 2005 compared to 2004, he had a much better year.

Walt: Ah, the last refuge of the desperate, let’s change the rules. We’re not talking about Comeback Player of the Year, we’re talking about Player of the Year. All in favor of Annika – say aye. Ah, it’s unanimous – that’s more like it. Now pass me the ketchup, I’m taking some of Tucker’s fries after that weak effort …

Our cast of characters (aka The Regulars)

Here is a quick overview of the "regulars" at the 19th hole - no topic is out of bounds, and facts in some cases are entirely optional, but they usually put up a mildly entertaining discussion ...

Rick Coleman (aka The Bomber) – all is right with the world when the Steelers are in first place in the NFC Central, or whatever division the NFL happens to re-align them into to fit their little “expansion tendency” (Rick’s a little old-fashioned – he’s got a hard time dealing with the fact that they play the Cleveland Browns 4 times a year – the whole Baltimore Ravens thing never quite worked for him). Unclear on whether or not the Pirates became a Triple A club after they got rid of Bonds, Bonilla and Van Slyke – the crowds near Three Rivers throughout the summer cause only confusion since there can’t be that many concerts in Pittsburgh – can there? Still able to hit it 270 with frightening ease, and still able to find most of them. Then the hard work begins – anything inside 100 yards involving a club with a “wedge” in the title is like a rookie at the craps table – could end up tremendously happy or very disappointed with little understanding of what caused the difference. Plays to a 14, but happily plays against 8s and 10s straight up and is only too happy to buy drinks afterward so he can announce to anyone who will listen “if my buddy Angelo’s an 8 and doesn’t want to give me strokes – well, OK, but he’s gotta live with himself – hahahahahaha!” Huge fan of most bombers, including John Daly, Vijay Singh, Laura Davies and yes, even Hank Kuehne. Willing to point out to anyone that Tiger’s not a bomber because he hits 3-wood at least twice a round off the tee and his short game is too good to follow in the long line of bombers that started with Jones and goes through Snead and Nicklaus – don’t get him started.

Tucker Fitch (aka Mr. Head Case) – a huge fan of all things Boston, particularly the Red Sox and Patriots. Still believes Larry Bird should be coaching the Celtics and cursed the return of the NHL because the Bruins would have to be watched again. Has an instant messenger ID that is juvenile enough to include a reference to a Red Sox World Series being won in his lifetime – still unsure if he should change it after the 2004 Series win over the Cardinals. Unsure if there are PGA tour golfers named something other than Tiger Woods or those two northeastern products Billy Andrade and Brad Faxon. Currently a 20-handicap, but plays like a 25 when there’s money on the line, and like a 30 if there’s a putt of any significance to it.  When not home with his wife and 4-year old son can be found at work selling custom magazines for a large home magazine publisher. Don’t even ask him about drafting Terrell Owens with the first pick in his 2005 Fantasy Football League – the last person to try humor with that one hasn’t been seen since.

Walt Feinstein (aka The Wizard) – no relation to John Feinstein (no matter how convoluted a tale he offers), but a huge fan. Sadly these days a fan of most bay area sports teams – confident that Mike Nolan is the right guy to get the 9ers turned back around in the right direction (imagine a grown man with voodoo dolls of John York and Terry Donahue), Mike Montgomery and Chris Mullin are the perfect duo to put the Warriors back into the playoffs, and the Sharks are the NHL’s version of the “Moneyball” Oakland A’s. Glees openly at the Eagles fiasco created by Terrell Owens (aka “locker room cancer”) and at Randy Moss’ inability to turn the Raiders back into a playoff contender (thanks God often – some would say too often – for Tampa stealing Gruden away – like I said, a fan of most bay area teams). Received a San Jose Sabercats Jersey as a gift, but refuses to wear it, saying real football is played outdoors on a full field (don’t remind him that the 9ers have a great Super Bowl record in domes). Currently playing to a 19, but only too happy to report that he was “a 12 before the 4 kids showed up – that’s almost 2 strokes a kid, and my wife’s ready for more!” Hits it about 260 off the tee – downhill, with the wind, with lots of roll in July – other than that he hits it about 220. Played with the same sticks for almost 12 years, but has upgraded every club in the bag in the last 5 years (some more than once) in his quest for distance and forgiveness as the (ahem) finely tuned swing of his youth gives way to a lunging nearing-40-year-old hack that resembles Vijay Amritaj (Indian Davis Cup player if you didn’t already know) than Vijay Singh. Still believes David Duval has one more major in him, strenuously objects to the media’s willingness to hail Tiger as the Boy King and put him on a pedestal the minute he turned pro, and finds it more than a little ironic that the same media that cover Tiger as if nobody else mattered seems willing to overlook Annika’s accomplishments (which, he will point out in mind-numbing detail, are actually much more impressive than Tiger’s, particularly lately) and already begin the “Hail Michelle Wie” treatment. Fun to play with most of the year, but can be particularly challenging those weeks after a Tiger win – particularly those that come by large margins or in majors. Wild rumors abound that he actually authors a blog about golf and media coverage – he completely and utterly denies any knowledge of this activity with such fervor that the others are beginning to look into the rumor mill and see if there’s any substance at all to them … nothing yet. 

Billy Despars (aka “3-jack”) – yes, a simple and multi-purpose nickname. Normally, a quality lag putter, a bit of the yips kicks in on the back 9 and during one particularly notable 3-match stretch he 3-putted from 19, 16, and, yes, 8 feet on the 18^th hole to lose all 3 matches 1 down. The third effort of the third match (which, sadly was from 15 feet after the putter just exploded out of his hands) was so weak none of the others in the foursome could watch. Originally born in Sydney, Australia, he moved at 8 and became a SoCal boy. His sporting allegiances run towards the Raiders (the version that played in the Coliseum, as he’s quick to clarify – of course he’s really a rugby fan), Dodgers (but, as much as it pains him, the Angels are fun to watch with Vlad in the lineup – and baseball’s a warm-up act for the real ball sport of cricket), and the Lakers (but, boy, Dunleavy’s got those Clippers playing well). In short, a man of no intestinal fortitude with absolutely no loyalty – a perfect fourth to this barbershop quartet. When not out selling high-speed internet equipment (“someone’s gotta make your porn load faster – I’m your guy”), he coaches his daughter’s soccer and softball teams with Walt (the devil you know is always easier to coach with than the devil you don’t …) and spends time with his wife and 3 kids watching Disney movies on DVD and playing board games for the under-12 set (“finally – something I can win at!”) Currently sporting a 17 handicap, but quick to point out the real handicap is his backswing. Oh, yes, the other use of that nickname – “3 jack and cokes” – his standard post-round fare. These days, with DUI laws being what they are, a ride home is usually required, and one of the other 3 is only too happy to oblige since Billy is, without question, the funniest of the four, and even funnier during the first two drinks. After that, well, it’s best to get him to a car before that third one hits the counter empty. This explains his undying support of Fuzzy Zoeller, John Daly, John Jacobs (that guy on the Senior tour that won that really wild duel with McCord a few years back), Sam Torrance (that hard-drinking Ryder Cup captain) and anyone else that can toss back a few and still play some great golf. Can’t understand why the media is still spending any time on Annika now that Michelle’s “Hello World” speech is done and she’s a pro (“If she weren’t a minor … and I weren’t married …”)