(Another 19-hole discussion among ”the regulars”)
Walt: So old 2-driver Lefty gets it done with an amazing performance at Augusta. That’s 3 out of 9 boys, one more than Shark, Curtis Strange, and Long John. He’s really starting to put the pedal down now. That back 9 was awesome – he almost made it look boring, it was so routine – sadly it reminded me a lot of Tiger in 2002, steadying the ship as everyone else threw up all over themselves.
Tucker: Yeah, well, if Tiger had actually brought his real putter with him, maybe Phil wouldn’t have just had a cake walk to the finish line on Sunday.
Walt: Oh, so that wasn’t his real putter.
Tucker: No way, some imposter threw it in his bag when he wasn’t looking. They must’ve distracted Tiger and Steve with a really cute girl, then swapped it out. No way he putts like that on Sunday at a major with his real putter. I’m guessing they either found some really hot Augusta local and had her parade by the putting green a few times, or they found some of those pesky Internet photos of Elin that Tiger’s not too happy about and started handing them out to the other players.
Walt: And somehow Tiger, with all of the alleged superpowers you’ve given him, wasn’t able to deduce that this putter wasn’t his? And I think I saw some of those photos – but who knows, maybe she actually wears that little French maid outfit out to the course. That would get most of us pretty fired up.
Tucker: Fired up – you’d need to move back your starting time by about 8 minutes. It does seem amazing that Tiger wouldn’t recognize such a fundamental problem like having his equipment misplaced. Hey, what can I say, he must’ve had a really good night with Elin on Saturday – like you’d even care if you were using the right putter after some of that. All of the blood goes to the wrong place, and it takes a while for the equipment to work properly.
Billy: I just want Elin to check my equipment, if you know what I’m saying?
Walt: Oh, I do, and this is potentially a family and friends blog, so let’s move on. Now back to the Masters … I’m not buying the whole Tigger putter conspiracy theory – I think he had the right putter, he just couldn’t figure out how to use it for a few holes. And let’s be clear, that’s not just Tiger – everyone has a few troubles on the Augusta greens, particularly on the downhill putts. Tiger left a few of his putts above the hole like the one on 13, and you know you can’t get anything close to aggressive when you do that. Bottom line is Phil kept applying pressure to the entire field because while he knew they were ahead making birdies, they knew he was behind them with the same holes to play, and not backing up much. This Phil’s a different guy than the guy we knew up until 2003 – “Phil the Thrill” is now “Phil the accountant” – suddenly Mr. Excitement has turned into Mr. Closer.
Tucker: Oh, stop acting like Phil’s the man. If Tiger putts anywhere close to normal, they’re probably in a playoff. We’ll get the old Phil back – he must’ve shoved him in an equipment shed somewhere on the Augusta grounds – we’ll find him, don’t you worry. Phil the Accountant – sheesh, yeah, maybe for Enron – Phil’s quite capable of putting up the big #, he just figured out a way to avoid it for one day.
Walt: Ahem, yes, and that day would be Sunday at Augusta. I think that old Phil might be dead and buried 6 feet under. He may reappear infrequently, but this was a convincing win on a tough track. Fear not, though, undoubtedly the press will realize that by around June 10 they need to make Tiger the odds on favorite.
Tucker: Why’s that?
Walt: Well, at the very least NBC is going to realize it, because they don’t want to get “Kostised”
Tucker: Ouch – I think that happened to me once during fraternity hazing, took two weeks and a lot of antibiotics but it cleared up.
Walt: Nice – I’m not even going to guess what you think I said – you remember Tiger’s treatment of Kostis, won’t even let the lead CBS swing analyst get an interview in after his rounds these days because he’s so cranky that anyone would dare analyze the boy king’s swing and find fault. Hey, Tiger, you want to shut Kostis up, try bringing it in a relevant tournament since the calendar hit 2006. All we keep hearing about is how great Tiger’s hitting it, and then we see T20 at Arnie’s and T22 at the Players. Tiger’s hitting it great – blah blah blah. First, like Tiger’s going to ever see he’s not hitting it great. Second, if he’s hitting it great, what’s Phil doing?
Tucker: What do you mean – Tiger’s hitting it straighter and longer than ever, his irons are all over the flag, and he’s putting – well, OK, 2 out of 3 aren’t bad.
Walt: Hmm, so let’s check out a couple of stats to, ahem, support your position.
Tucker: Uh oh, he’s got that pesky little cough again – this doesn’t look good.
Walt: Oh, it won’t be too painful – we’ll make this quick. For 2006 Phil’s 12th in total driving and Tiger’s 41st, Phil’s hitting 73% of GIRs while Tiger’s at 71%, Phil’s 2nd in putting while Tiger’s 127th – yikes if this were just about putting Tiger wouldn’t have his card! But it’s not just the putter – Phil’s pounding him in GIR and driving as well, so like I said if Tiger’s playing great what the heck is Phil doing?? Now let’s get back to the topic – the reason why NBC has to make Tiger the prohibitive favorite is because they actually want Mark Rolfing to get an interview with Tiger after his round.
Tucker: Wait a minute, you’re saying that NBC would actually adjust pre-tourney coverage Tiger’s direction just to get an interview. That’s kind of dicey – sort of like a CBS NCAA tourney commentator who has to interview all the big conference coaches regularly suggesting that the mid-major teams shouldn’t even get into the tournament and don’t deserve their spots.
Walt: But enough about Billy Packer! I’m absolutely saying that – no way NBC wants to do without interviews. Plus, this way NBC can change the rules a bit and diversify the portfolio.
Tucker: What do you mean – we’re not going to have Tim Finchem buying pork belly futures anytime soon are we?
Walt: No, fear not my neophyte investor friend – my point was that they can reduce the risk of a lost weekend tremendously with one small change.
Tucker: What’s that? And you call me neophyte one more time and I’ll take a 9-iron to your inner thigh – or at least I think that’s where that neophyte I met at a bar a while back left me in an injured state for about a week.
Walt: Your literary genius, that would be nympho – and you probably just crossed the over-sharing line but thanks for the info. All the press needs to do is go from “Tiger v the field” to “Tiger and Phil v the field” Both are equally ridiculous but at least with the second they get two players to cheer for – beats the heck out of the current high-risk portfolio of “Tiger or bust”
Tucker: So I’ll take either – Tiger and/or Phil – fine. Look at Augusta – they routinely finish top 10 and are in the last 5 groups getting lots of TV time. That works for CBS, why can’t it work for NBC?
Walt: You want a good reason?
Tucker: Geez, is there an echo in here?
Walt: I’ll give you 54 of them, starting with Camillo Villegas, J.B. Holmes, and Bubba Watson. Say what you want about the Masters, but it’s the weakest field of the majors – 90 competitors, including all the past champions like Charlie Coody. Granted Charlie found a 74 on Friday, but let’s be serious his chances of winning are about as good as mine. None of the three I just mentioned got into the tournament, even though Holmes had that dominating win at the FBR, Camillo has 3 top 5s and Bubba Watson has had a great spring including a 4th at Sony and a 3rd in Tucson. But the Masters didn’t feel they needed to invite them – punks.
Rick: They are not punks – they hit it a ton and they’ve got some short game. These kids can play.
Walt: Not the players – the punks are the Masters committee members who dole out special invites and forgot to include any of the three. Apparently they were too busy trying to figure out how to get Michelle Wie a spot – they forgot to invite all the quality young talent around the PGA these days. Well one of the main reasons we get such a quality leaderboard at Augusta is because there are 54 less guys for the names guys to have to pass before they start getting mentioned by the announcers.
Rick: So what are you saying?
Walt: I’m saying if you give me a choice of Tiger and Phil or the field, it’s the easiest money I’ve ever spent since I gave up my lunch money for those Batman Fritos chips.
Rick: Yeah, I’ll bet they match your Grr-animals Batman outfit. And where’s your easy money?
Walt: Easy money is on the field – not even a question. 144 guys v 90 – I’ll take the field every time. And you know what you should bring if you want to bet Tiger and Phil?
Rick: What’s that?
Walt: Your wallet and an ATM card, because you will need both. The media gets all excited about this big “Phil and Tiger” rivalry but the least likely result is that they play in the same group on Sunday. The more likely result is that they will play the weekend but have to be content with 142 other players trying to get in the way of them lifting a trophy.
